I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
