why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
and she was petting her beer can
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Can you bring me the toilet please
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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