Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
