the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
are you so shy because you have an std?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
