saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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