my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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