i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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