I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it was like eating out sand paper
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
They took my balls.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
