this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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