this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
