I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
my poor anus
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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