What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
