I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
