At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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