I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I need to stop coming to work sober
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
