HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I will be naked everywhere
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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