So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
