There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
