You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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