he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
