We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
