Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
