My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
