Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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