Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
