Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
