My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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