i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
