I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
