So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
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