You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
