Whod you bang
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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