My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
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