Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
