when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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