you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
