I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
third nipple confirmed
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
