They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
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