But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
bring money and cleavage
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
