I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize