Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
