At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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