According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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