She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
