Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
