i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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