I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
