Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
