id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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