meet me or not, i'm out of control
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
