booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
