the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Randomize
