His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
