Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
