i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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