No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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