I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
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