is your mom at the bar?
Me too!
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
