so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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