If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
