i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
