I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
