I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
